Monthly Archives: March 2021

Patience

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So I adopted these little fuzzies a couple of weeks ago:

They’re beautiful, aren’t they? The fluffy one is Maddie, and the tiny one is Allie.

I’ve always wanted a bonded pair, but both Kaylee and Kensi needed to be only cats and I’ve done my best to honor that. Now I have them, and I find myself having to practice more patience than I ever have with adopting a rescue cat.

  • Kaylee walked out of her crate, took a few hours to adjust, but wanted to be close and cuddly almost right away.
  • Kensi walked out of her crate and took a couple weeks to truly be my lap cat, but solicited attention right away and wanted to be close to me. I’ve had ten years of cuddles and purring and everything I could want in a cat.

It’s harder than I thought starting over again.

They’re already leaps and bounds ahead of the cats who hide for three weeks; they’re content to sleep near me, they’ll play with me when I get the wand and feather toy out, and allow and occasionally seek out petting and attention. They don’t run when I approach, they let me handle them without violence (Maddie even likes to be held). Even now they’re snoozing on the couch behind me while I work. Maddie sleeps on the bed with me. Allie is warming up slowly, getting more chatty and seems to like hanging out with me in the bathroom of all places.

But they don’t cuddle up, and I didn’t realize how much I miss it until I brought these two home and expected a quicker bond than they were ready for.

It hasn’t helped that some initial medical issues warranted more than a few trips to the vet and having to give medication every day – Maddie used to be more cuddly until I had to give her daily eye drops and oral meds and she doesn’t want to be close on the couch anymore. It’s easy for my anxiety brain to despair that she’ll never bond with me because her first memories of me are putting her in a towel burrito and dripping stuff in her eye or scruffing her to syringe foul-tasting liquid meds into her mouth. It also doesn’t help that Maddie reminds me so much of my sweet Kaylee that I’m expecting too much from her too soon. I’m so much more patient with Allie because she doesn’t remind me of either of my previous cats, and I quietly celebrate every overture I get from her or the glimpses I get of her personality. With Maddie I’m more WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?

I know it’ll get better. It’s barely been two weeks. I should be happy that they’re comfortable enough to hang out near me and letting me pet them without running or shying away. I am happy to watch them play together, enjoy the cat tree and toys I got for them. Maddie does jump up on the bed for petting when we’re in the bedroom. Allie is happy to rub my legs and tail tag me and arches into my petting hand. We’re getting there.

Fringe: Finally

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So I started watching Fringe when it was airing, I think. I was looking for a show I could enjoy as much as The X-Files, and this did well enough, but I think I lost track of it at the time, with the way that the Fox network played around with scheduling. I knew that it was a JJ Abrams creation, and Kurtzman and Orci had Xena and Hercules under their collective belt and were just starting to make their true TV Splash.

While I watched as it aired, it very much felt like Lost meets The X-Files and the Mystery/Monster of the Week (MOTW) episodes were fantastic. It had a strong leading pair (Anna Torv and Josh Jackson), with the addition of the amazing John Noble as Jackson’s mad scientist father.

I’d lost track of it, however, before I got into the meat of the show. I bought the DVD season box sets that were available, devoured them, even subscribed to Netflix just to get the next set of DVDs in the mail. I watched an episode before work every morning and it got me revved up for the day.

I finished season four and was determined to watch season five as it aired – and then I didn’t. The final season aired the fall after my father died, it might have been too long after I watched season four that I’d lost the storyline and wouldn’t get it…whatever the reason, I just didn’t watch the last season. Through the years, I dug out the seasons 1-4 DVDs and watched them again. And again. But I never went and bought season five. I still don’t know why. I do this with a lot of shows and that’s a whole ‘nother post of self-analysis.

This summer I joined a local Buy Nothing group and cleaned out all my DVD box sets, including my Fringe DVDs. However, I’d finally purchased the entire Fringe series on Vudu for when I wanted to finish it off. Since I had it on streaming, I put it on during my work day to have on in the background and reacquaint myself with the story again. Earlier this month I finally watched the season five premier. Today I watched the series finale.

It was so satisfying.

I’ve never had a show wrap things up this well. Either they end up not getting renewed so everything is left on a cliffhanger, or they go on well past their shelf life and either I stop watching or it fizzles out with a disappointing ending.

This show, all the way through, hit so many satisfying emotional beats, cliffhangers, plot twists, all of my favorite tropes, and what a cast! Anna Torv brought Agent Olivia Dunham to vibrant, determined, courageous life. Josh Jackson did a wonderful job with the evolution of brilliant but cynical con man Peter Bishop to the steadfast hero with a purpose. Jasika Nicole was wonderful as the unwitting sidekick-becomes-so-much-more Astrid Farnsworth. Lance Reddick was a perfect stoic leader as Agent Phillip Broyles.

But oh, John Noble. The fact that he didn’t win an Emmy for his portrayal of Walter Bishop is a crime. I don’t even have words to describe how much Walter made me feel with him, from his fears to his guilt to his anger and determination. What an incredible actor, and a signature performance throughout the series.

The show itself had so much going on and I thought they executed it so well. The premise was so out there, but the show had so many funny beats that it didn’t plod or get too bogged down in technicalities. The characters and the story were compelling as hell, each season building to its end like the slow climb of a roller coaster to the top of its first hill. I wish I could describe all of the interesting things about this show, but I’d spoil so much and, if you watch, you deserve to see it for the first time like I did. The entire series is free on Amazon Prime Video as of the date of this entry.

The finale made me cry and laugh and hug myself with how satisfied I was with the way this series ended. I hope you watched. If you did, feel free to comment and flail (in a non-spoilery way) with me.

Grief

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“Do you want more time with her?” – My vet, after euthanizing Kensi

Those words have echoed more than anything she said to me to try to reassure me. I know what I did was the kindest thing. Over two days of around-the-clock care, her kidneys inexplicably and acutely failed. I was able to be there and hold her at the end and she slipped away without a struggle and before she started to truly suffer.

“Do you want more time with her?”

Yes. I wanted years. I thought I had years because just last month she was sitting at stage 1/stage 2 renal failure, was eating and drinking fine and every bit her sweet self. But somehow, over the course of a week, her appetite, then her water intake dropped off and I knew I had to bring her to the vet, and then she didn’t come home. Did I want more time? I absolutely did, but this was all I got.

“Do you want more time with her?”

No. I don’t want more time petting the empty shell of her body until it goes cold. I want my sweet, silly, chatty, LIVING cat and I can’t get that and no amount of time with her body is going to help in the moment or in the long run.

Now I have what I’ve always wanted, a young bonded pair of Siamese mixes and they’re absolutely precious and I feel this disconnect as one of them is already having medical issues and the stress of Kensi’s sudden decline has me gripped so tight I’m afraid to love them and I won’t be able to calm down until they get to their first official vet visit on Tuesday (one of them has already been to the walk-in vet and I’m giving her daily meds for the next 10 days) and I can’t stop hearing those goddamned words.

“Do you want more time with her?”

I understand why she said it and she was so kind through the whole weekend she cared for Kensi and broke the unfortunate news and I can’t thank her enough for everything she did.

It really was the wrong thing to say right then. And it hit me like a truck today and I can’t stop crying. We were doing so well, and her bloodwork was perfect and I thought I had so much more time.