“Do you want more time with her?” – My vet, after euthanizing Kensi
Those words have echoed more than anything she said to me to try to reassure me. I know what I did was the kindest thing. Over two days of around-the-clock care, her kidneys inexplicably and acutely failed. I was able to be there and hold her at the end and she slipped away without a struggle and before she started to truly suffer.
“Do you want more time with her?”
Yes. I wanted years. I thought I had years because just last month she was sitting at stage 1/stage 2 renal failure, was eating and drinking fine and every bit her sweet self. But somehow, over the course of a week, her appetite, then her water intake dropped off and I knew I had to bring her to the vet, and then she didn’t come home. Did I want more time? I absolutely did, but this was all I got.
“Do you want more time with her?”
No. I don’t want more time petting the empty shell of her body until it goes cold. I want my sweet, silly, chatty, LIVING cat and I can’t get that and no amount of time with her body is going to help in the moment or in the long run.
Now I have what I’ve always wanted, a young bonded pair of Siamese mixes and they’re absolutely precious and I feel this disconnect as one of them is already having medical issues and the stress of Kensi’s sudden decline has me gripped so tight I’m afraid to love them and I won’t be able to calm down until they get to their first official vet visit on Tuesday (one of them has already been to the walk-in vet and I’m giving her daily meds for the next 10 days) and I can’t stop hearing those goddamned words.
“Do you want more time with her?”
I understand why she said it and she was so kind through the whole weekend she cared for Kensi and broke the unfortunate news and I can’t thank her enough for everything she did.
It really was the wrong thing to say right then. And it hit me like a truck today and I can’t stop crying. We were doing so well, and her bloodwork was perfect and I thought I had so much more time.
T's Thoughtful Spot 
So much love to you.
Thank you – I’ll have had the babies a week as of tomorrow and I’ll be able to relax into enjoying them once they’ve had their initial vet visit and their poops are solid again and neither of them are on meds anymore.
I’m also stressed that, while the rescue was diligent in vetting me, I didn’t have nearly as much information on these two as I had with both my cats from the previous (now disbanded) rescue, so I’m having anxiety over either of these two having underlying medical issues that are Big Deals.
But I’ll get my first COVID vaccine dose on Monday, and the kitties will see the vet on Tuesday and hopefully the stress will fade. At least both of them are eating well now and that relaxes my “loss of appetite = DEATH” hair trigger. As always, information is my comfort food.