I just want my time to be mine again.

When Dad’s health was declining, I had to save all my vacation time in case I needed to go up and see him at a moment’s notice for however long he might be in the hospital or need help at home.

After he died, I moved out of state and was so contented in Virginia that I truly didn’t want to go anywhere for longer than a three-day weekend. Even my birthdays were just staycations where I hung out around my house and with my local friends.

I had so much time, and I kind of wallowed in it. I had friends I hung out with regularly, gamed with, wrote with, just existed with. This was a novelty for me – back in PA, I had a few friends, but they required plans and a 20-30 minute drive to hang out with, so having folks I could call and say, “Hey, I’m getting dinner, want to come?” was amazing.

Then I had SCADS of vacation time saved up and I wanted to travel. I was planning to head West. I’d never seen California, or the PNW…

And then Covid happened, and all my travel plans went out the window for the next two years. My time was still mostly my own, but I now had a couple of medically fragile cats to tend to. Navigating their needs took a little bit but, by the time the world opened up a little more, we were settling into an okay groove. Maybe I could travel again–

And then I lost my job, and all of that vacation time evaporated. Even during my brief stint of unemployment, I was still having to get up early and Do Things. The idea of accepting my severance and using that time to just BE was too scary, I couldn’t stop thinking of when the money would run out. So I chased a new job until I got one, and have been at it for the past eight months.

FINALLY, I had some vacation time banked up. I bought concert tickets for the summer and planned a long weekend of Weird Al and GalaxyCon Raleigh with a friend…

And Mom tells me that she needs surgery, and will need my help while she recovers. When? No idea. Can we try to do it after my weeken– I’LL GET IT DONE WHEN I CAN GET IT SCHEDULED YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO PLAY IT BY EAR.

Boom. From that shouted edict, my time was once again no longer my own.

I should be planning for my upcoming TTRPG session, but every night after work I just sit and try not to doomscroll but I don’t have the energy for much more, what with the world on fire, my pre-emptive anxiety over my upcoming trip to help Mom where I will have absolutely no privacy and no help, my very real anxiety over how my cats are going to do with me gone…

I just need some time again when I’m not beholden to someone else’s schedule, even one in the future.

That even includes my own schedule! I work 9a-6p, but I can’t settle down too much after work because once I’m done cooking/eating (if I cook instead of nuke something quick) I have to give the cats their evening treats/supplements, and once that’s done, I have to wash their food dishes before their bedtime snackie drops from their feeders, and once that’s done I have to take my own evening meds, and once THAT is done I have maybe two hours before I have to go to sleep and do it all over again.

I really need to find a therapist. And a way to structure my time so my evenings aren’t dots of chores and clock-watching instead of relaxing.