So I adopted these little fuzzies a couple of weeks ago:

They’re beautiful, aren’t they? The fluffy one is Maddie, and the tiny one is Allie.

I’ve always wanted a bonded pair, but both Kaylee and Kensi needed to be only cats and I’ve done my best to honor that. Now I have them, and I find myself having to practice more patience than I ever have with adopting a rescue cat.

• Kaylee walked out of her crate, took a few hours to adjust, but wanted to be close and cuddly almost right away.

• Kensi walked out of her crate and took a couple weeks to truly be my lap cat, but solicited attention right away and wanted to be close to me. I’ve had ten years of cuddles and purring and everything I could want in a cat.

It’s harder than I thought starting over again.

They’re already leaps and bounds ahead of the cats who hide for three weeks; they’re content to sleep near me, they’ll play with me when I get the wand and feather toy out, and allow and occasionally seek out petting and attention. They don’t run when I approach, they let me handle them without violence (Maddie even likes to be held). Even now they’re snoozing on the couch behind me while I work. Maddie sleeps on the bed with me. Allie is warming up slowly, getting more chatty and seems to like hanging out with me in the bathroom of all places.

But they don’t cuddle up, and I didn’t realize how much I miss it until I brought these two home and expected a quicker bond than they were ready for.

It hasn’t helped that some initial medical issues warranted more than a few trips to the vet and having to give medication every day – Maddie used to be more cuddly until I had to give her daily eye drops and oral meds and she doesn’t want to be close on the couch anymore. It’s easy for my anxiety brain to despair that she’ll never bond with me because her first memories of me are putting her in a towel burrito and dripping stuff in her eye or scruffing her to syringe foul-tasting liquid meds into her mouth. It also doesn’t help that Maddie reminds me so much of my sweet Kaylee that I’m expecting too much from her too soon. I’m so much more patient with Allie because she doesn’t remind me of either of my previous cats, and I quietly celebrate every overture I get from her or the glimpses I get of her personality. With Maddie I’m more WHY WON’T YOU LOVE ME?

I know it’ll get better. It’s barely been two weeks. I should be happy that they’re comfortable enough to hang out near me and letting me pet them without running or shying away. I am happy to watch them play together, enjoy the cat tree and toys I got for them. Maddie does jump up on the bed for petting when we’re in the bedroom. Allie is happy to rub my legs and tail tag me and arches into my petting hand. We’re getting there.

“Do you want more time with her?” – My vet, after euthanizing Kensi

Those words have echoed more than anything she said to me to try to reassure me. I know what I did was the kindest thing. Over two days of around-the-clock care, her kidneys inexplicably and acutely failed. I was able to be there and hold her at the end and she slipped away without a struggle and before she started to truly suffer.

“Do you want more time with her?”

Yes. I wanted years. I thought I had years because just last month she was sitting at stage 1/stage 2 renal failure, was eating and drinking fine and every bit her sweet self. But somehow, over the course of a week, her appetite, then her water intake dropped off and I knew I had to bring her to the vet, and then she didn’t come home. Did I want more time? I absolutely did, but this was all I got.

“Do you want more time with her?”

No. I don’t want more time petting the empty shell of her body until it goes cold. I want my sweet, silly, chatty, LIVING cat and I can’t get that and no amount of time with her body is going to help in the moment or in the long run.

Now I have what I’ve always wanted, a young bonded pair of Siamese mixes and they’re absolutely precious and I feel this disconnect as one of them is already having medical issues and the stress of Kensi’s sudden decline has me gripped so tight I’m afraid to love them and I won’t be able to calm down until they get to their first official vet visit on Tuesday (one of them has already been to the walk-in vet and I’m giving her daily meds for the next 10 days) and I can’t stop hearing those goddamned words.

“Do you want more time with her?”

I understand why she said it and she was so kind through the whole weekend she cared for Kensi and broke the unfortunate news and I can’t thank her enough for everything she did.

It really was the wrong thing to say right then. And it hit me like a truck today and I can’t stop crying. We were doing so well, and her bloodwork was perfect and I thought I had so much more time.

Today is the second day of my end-of-year long weekend. As 2020 draws to a close and I sit in my big chair and knit while listening to Critical Role, what I feel right now is a sense of peace.

To feel that at all, I realize, is a huge privilege in this day and age. I’m still employed and working from home at a non-stressful job. I’ve stayed in good health all year. I’ve lost none of my friends or family to COVID-19, and the only family member that did get it recovered with relative quickness. After a few months of anxiety I’ve settled into my groove and am at least coping without panic – this is helped, of course, by all my friends and family following safety guidelines to avoid spreading and contracting the virus.

My bestie and I have managed to hang out as safely as possible, meeting once a week at the outdoor seating of our local Starbucks. We stay masked, we knit, and we catch up on things and have face to face contact that even introvert me needs. Our friend group is still able to game via Google Hangouts and Roll20, and I’m greatly enjoying running Pugmire for the gang and playing Humblewood where another friend is behind the GM screen.

Other than creating adventures for Pugmire, my creativity otherwise has taken a bit of a nose dive. I didn’t do NaNoWriMo this year, mostly due to the pandemic, but also due to the shitshow that was the Presidential election and the continued fallout that’s stretching into at least early next year until the inauguration. I’m hoping, as the vaccinations continue, that the fear of catching/spreading the virus will subside enough to let my creative brain explore again.

It’s been a quiet year for me, thankfully. A few health scares with the cat (she’s fine now), still working on my Achilles tendinitis, I’d like to see my place a bit cleaner but, all in all, the quiet has led up to this peaceful feeling of tonight. I’m thankful for the quiet, and the privilege that’s kept me afloat through this horrible year. I know others around me aren’t so lucky, and my thoughts go out to them as we cross over to a more hopeful year.

Stay safe, everyone. Wear a mask. Maintain social distancing. Get the vaccine so we can survive this, because we still have so much work to do. I love you all.

Well, it still sucks, but it’s getting easier?

It took a good two weeks before I stopped needing mindless distractions on Netflix to distract me from work anxiety, pandemic anxiety, and just general anxiety until it was time to sleep. It was rough.

My bestie has been so good to me during all of this; she’s found my low-carb bread and left it on my doorstep, she’s made me masks so I can go out for groceries with a little less fear…she’s been awesome, and I can’t thank her enough. But man, for those two weeks, even when I knew she was dropping stuff off for me, even when she was offering me a ride to the dealership when my car needed service (what a time for my Check Engine light to come on), I couldn’t. The thought of seeing her face and knowing that she couldn’t come up and hang out for a while, or I couldn’t give her a hug, reduced me to tears. Just the thought of it was enough.

That’s gotten better.

I’ve gotten better acquainted with my neighbors through all of this, and we’ve offered to get groceries here and there as we head out on our food runs. That’s been nice, knowing that I’m not alone. One of my neighbors and I have kind of bonded as bird nerds as we both tried to figure out which birds are in our neck of the woods, especially the morning songbirds (btw, the white-throated sparrow is the bane of my existence).

I’ve done a little retail therapy – it’s hard not to shop in a situation like this. I did receive my chair and it’s been a GODSEND for my back and my butt and my neck as I continue to work from home. I’ve also gotten some new work clothes jammies when they went on sale. After I got my stimulus check I backed a couple kickstarters and bought some art directly from the artists to help them out a little too. The rest has gone into savings and will stay there as best as I can keep it there.

My work anxiety has eased off a good deal and I can approach my day with a little more chill than before. With  my boss’s okay and encouragement, I’ve even put in for a couple vacation days next week. I’m still grateful to be able to work from home and earning a paycheck without worrying about the near-to-not-so-near future. It’s a little disconcerting working for a juggernaut of a corporation, but in these times, the job security is worth a little discomfort.

I’m still worried about getting sick, but I’m doing my best to maintain social distancing and only going out for groceries or the occasional I’M SICK OF COOKING AND NEED FAST FOOD run. It’s been a month without Starbucks; there may be a latte run in my near future, or I may order an espresso machine.

I get out for walks every day to get some sunlight and fresh air; my community is quiet enough that I have a route that lets me avoid most people. I’ve also (weather permitting) taken some time each day to just sit on my balcony and either knit or read or just enjoy the milder weather with a cup of coffee.

I’ve watched Tiger King. Hoo-boy. Enough said about that fascinating train wreck.

I’ve relaxed enough that I’m knitting again. I’m almost done a super cute cowl that I’ll post pictures of when I’m finished.

I’m still gaming! Our tabletop group has started gaming via video chat, and that’s done a lot for my mental health to see friendly faces and catch up about what’s going on with all of us during quarantine.

I’m considering relocating my workstation from the living room to the guest room in order to create some mental separation from my “office” to my home.  I may do that on my long weekend next week. I can still watch Critical Role during my work day without having to have it on the big screen.

I avoid the news. I get the headlines from my social media feed and that’s enough to keep me informed without sending me into a pandemic panic spiral.

I took a needed chance this week and went to see my physical therapist, as the two weeks of anxiety meant I wasn’t doing any of my exercises for my Achilles tendinitis, and my calf had gotten so tight that I knew I needed to hit a “reset button” by getting dry needling. Oh my god, it hurt like fuck but it’s already doing better two days later.

Overall, I’m doing better than that first week, but it’s still stressful here and there.

I miss being able to go out anywhere without mentally hitting the 14-day countdown clock of, “Will I develop symptoms because of this trip?”

I worry about my mom or extended family getting sick.

I wonder what the end of this is going to look like, coming out of this safety hibernation and trying to readjust to the new routines, to say nothing of what our new normal is going to become when those in power try to get us “back to the way things were”. This is a defining event for our country. I’m scared to be living in it but I’m still hopeful that we come out of it with some positive changes.

Stay home, everyone. Stay safe, stay healthy.

God, that sucked. This couldn’t have come at a worst time for me emotionally. I’m in the throes of PMS, I was going to call a therapist next week to start dealing with my occasionally debilitating anxiety, and I fall into one of the high-risk health categories with 2 chronic illnesses that mess with my immune systems.

Did I mention my anxiety is triggered by medical issues?

The irony of that is that hermiting up for the foreseeable future isn’t that terrible a prospect, at least right now. I have a job that allows me to work from home, I have internet, I have a home that I enjoy, a whole stash of yarn to knit with, and a cat to keep me company. I cobbled together a workstation in my living room and I was ready.

((Narrator: She was not ready.))

The thing about working from home is that the higher-ups are watching your productivity like a hawk, and the lower ups are reminding you of that every day, so make sure you stay productive. But what about when the workload is normally pretty light?

Audits. The tedious bullshit tasks that I usually live for. Only now I’m trying to be so thorough that I’m not making it through the daily lists of things in time and, even when my boss tells me, “You’re fine!” There’s still that brainweasel that says NO, ONE SLIP AND YOU’RE FIRED and I’m plunged right back into memories of my soulless crazy micromanaging boss and REMEMBER IT’S PMS WEEK?

I’ll get better. As soon as my period hits this will be more manageable. As soon as my new chair gets here and sitting stops being so painful, I’ll be able to settle into the new normal. But right now, when I’m working every second of every day with no coffee breaks, no pause to chat with my team, and pushing to just get through that list before the end of the day leaves me so drained that I can’t even enjoy the evening because I’m thinking about the unfinished work all evening? Working from home is even more stressful than it is when I’m at the office. I don’t even have time to think about the pandemic, until it’s time to sleep, and then I need to distract myself enough to fall asleep.

(just got the notification that my new chair will be here Sunday – here’s hoping!)

Positives to social distancing:

• Working from home means I can sleep a little longer.
• I can watch Critical Role while I go about my day.
• I’m cooking for myself a LOT.
• I’m saving money by not getting Starbucks or eating out.
• I can pet my cat whenever I want through the day.

Negatives to social distancing:

• I miss my bestie and our Friday nights with Picard and CBS silliness.
• I don’t like the way my routine’s been disrupted.
• I worry that I’m exposing myself every time I go out for groceries, even though I don’t think there are that many reported cases here in my area.
• I really miss Starbucks.
• I miss being able to relax at work.
• I worry about food shortages, especially when the diabetes means I can’t have the usual carb-laden staples.
• I worry about increased panic as this goes on.
• I worry for my friends and their families potentially being infected.

Despite all this, I’m trying to stay positive. The first week is over. I have faith that we’ll get through this. I’m going to be gaming via Facebook video chat with friends this weekend. I’ll have a better chair (or at least a cushion!) to get me through the coming weeks of working from home.

At least I hope so. Stay safe, everyone!